Heaven On Earth With An Onion Slice

[robblerobble]

It starts with strange, mop-like creatures that smell of french fries setting up a boombox outside the local burger place. With a click, the boombox starts playing a song on repeat.

And then, with a burst of smoke that smells like cooked beef, appears the famous no-goodnik, THE HAMBURGLAR. Strutting inside the restaurant, he makes a dramatic flourish with his cape, declaiming grandly.

"Cheeseburger, robble robble!"

Behind him, his two Fry Guy minions skate inside, doing their best to look threatening. This is a stickup, diners! ALL YOUR BURGERS ARE BELONG TO HIM.

Comments

[number1_kerbal]

Correction Fry Guys. This USED TO BE the local burger place-now it's used as a deep-space tracking relay station/kitchen by the Venture Space Program. So what used to be the dining room is full of computers and machines of every vintage from late 50s to the ultra-modern.

They're still making some burgers in back, but most of the kitchen is gone to computers too, and only a single griddle remains, well isolated from the rest of the operation.

[I swear to god, McMoons is a real thing. ]

[robblerobble]

Pah! Who cares about space?! ARE THERE BURGERS IN SPACE?!

Answer: no.

The Hamburglar is here only for the burgers, AND HE WILL HAVE THEM.

[number1_kerbal]

Well, there's not many burgers. Just three sitting on the counter with fries and milkshakes. Hmmm, why are there only three of them?

"Hey, what's all the commotion int here?" Oh, the three hungry astronauts might be a clue. One of them looks timid, and one looks baffled-but one is clearly not liking what he sees.

[robblerobble]

BURGER SPEED ACTIVATE

The three burgers are shoved in a paper sack, and the fries are thrown to the minions.

"Robble robble!"

NYAH NYAH NAH NAH

[number1_kerbal]

"Hey, that's our lunch! Come on Bill, Bob, let's get this guy!"

The three astronauts, powered by hunger, stand up for themselves-they're all a little short, but they've been working all morning in a swimming pool and came for their burgers. And they're going to get their burgers!

It certainly was nice that the Hamburglar had wrapped the burgers up before putting them in the sack though, so there was still a chance they might be eddible after the fight. Bill and Jeb charged-while Bill had the clarity of mind to draw his Regulation Buck Rodgers laser pistol.

[robblerobble]

Okay. Angry Astronauts: Not A Threat.

Laser Pistol: A Threat.

Mostly because lasers and burgers are non-mixy things, but details.

Here is how the Hamburglar deals with threats: THE KETCHUP BAZOOKA.

Taste the sticky red bullets of CRIME, astronauts!

[number1_kerbal]

Because he's a big oaf and it's his job to take such things to the face, Bob winds up blundering into the path of the Ketchup Bazooka. Bill, on the other hand, with his laser gun, flinches away and dives for cover.

But Jebediah Kerman is too cool for astronaut school, and he doesn't flinch away from his sworn mission of punching this burger-thief in his big plastic looking mug.

[robblerobble]

Jebediah is too close for the Ketchup Bazooka to be used; the precious burgers could get caught in the blast!

So instead the Hamburglar drops the bazooka and draws out his holdout weapons: the Mustard Derringers.

The yellow stains of VILLAINY will never be washed out!

[number1_kerbal]

...actually, these space suits are coated with Teflon(tm), so that will totally wash off. And Jeb's too hungry to notice the mustard covering the front of his suit now, not when his lunch is within his grasp!

Still I mean, maybe the mustard is more threatening that the squeeze bottles would indicate. Maybe.

[robblerobble]

No, it's pretty much just mustard.

Being fired directly at his helmet, but still.

[number1_kerbal]

Well it's a good thing Jeb's got his helmet on then! One, it keeps the mustard out of his eyes. And two-it keeps his hands free to whack the Hamburgler across the jaw with two-fisted action, just like in the movies.

[robblerobble]

As the Hamburglar goes skidding back, he tosses the paper sack to the Fry Guys and holsters the Mustard Derringers before taking out the Ketchup Bazooka again.

He can't fire it, of course, but it makes a dandy club.

[number1_kerbal]

"Ow! Quit clowning around you two, get those burgers back!" Bill and Bob finally recover enough courage and clarity from their leader's orders to draw their attention to the Fry Guys even as Jebediah tries to grapple with the Hamburglar and wrestle him to the ground. The Fry Guys will find that Bill's aim is poor-but only because his hands are trembling with fear and there's no telling if he'll pull that trigger or not if anyone makes any sudden moves.

[robblerobble]

Seeing as how Hamburglar has his hands full - he could just use Burger Strength, but he's uninterested in hurting people, just stealing their burgers - the Fry Guys are on their own against their fellow minions.

As they quiver with antici...pation, a fine white powder floats off their bodies. This is, of course, the one ranged attack the Fry Guys possess - the Salty Shimmy Shake!

The iodized table salt clings to anything with the slightest bit of moisture - like, perhaps, a certain ketchup-smeared astronaut?

[number1_kerbal]

Jeb tried to wrestle a bit longer with Hamburglar-but then the blast of a laser pistol caught his attention and he turned-

Yep, Bill had lost his nerve again-and blasted all the burgers into oblivion, splattering the fry guys with burning fragments of bag and exploded burger.

[robblerobble]

"ROBBLE ROBBLE!"

AVENGE THE BURGERS!

Hamburglar lets just enough Burger Strength into his grip to toss Jebediah away as he draws out his final weapon - the Mayo Grenade. Bill is quickly plastered to the nearest wall by a thick, gooey coating of mayonnaise as the Hamburglar and his Fry Guys escape, taking the boombox and shaking their fists at the trio of astronauts.

[number1_kerbal]

"...Bill? Bob?"

"Yeah boss?"

"What the heck just happened?"